Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of MLBlogs.com; I come to you now with great humility and regret. After weeks of careful consideration and deliberation with my attorneys, advisers and family, I have decided to come clean.
I, William Scott Lentz of Reading, Pennsylvania, am guilty of using performance enhancing substances…
I know. I know.
“How could you?” you may say. “How could you tarnish yourself?”
While my original blog featured on the front page of MLBlogs.com last November was clean, I must plead guilty to using performance enhancers in December of 2008.
When I wrote “The Best Idea I Ever Had… Maybe” where I suggested Donovan McNabb join the Phillies bullpen, I tested positive for… gulp… SPELL-CHECK. I don’t know what I was thinking, it was just the pressure of the moment I suppose. I hadn’t written a blog in weeks and I knew that if I didn’t post soon, I may be lost in MLBlogosphere obscurity. The blog started off well, but in the second full paragraph I tackled the word “arbitration” which I butchered. So I paniced. I right clicked on the word and selected the correct spelling, a spelling – I must sadly admit – that was not my own.
It doesn’t stop there.
A few days later when I posted “C-C-C-Ya Real Soon!” I was on a kick. My McNabb blog drew critical acclaim and I liked the feeling, so I asked Jose Canseco to grease my keyboard with a thin layer of vasoline so my fingers could type faster and thereby allow me to blog faster. The post went by like a blur and before I knew it, it was posted. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I was just lucky I convinced Canseco to leave me out of his next book. Don’t ask me how I did it.
It all just happened so fast.
My third and final “enhanced” post was the fatal “Everything Baseball Should Be: And Everything Baseball Is Not.” At this point, I was so engulfed in the ways of dishonest blogging I had no idea which way was up. I took all of my blog-rage out on the Yankees who were an easy target at the time. The blog was full of vasoline-enduced rants and spell-checking that allowed me to use words such as ‘allegiance’ and ‘romanticised.’ Words I would have never been able to spell naturally. And – as much as it pains me to say – the meatball line is from Seinfeld.
I am a fraud and I have put myself to shame. I’m embarrassed for myself, I’m embarrased for the Yankees and I’m embarrassed that I just stole another line; this time from Don Zimmer.
I must apologize to all of my fans. You all had faith in me and I let you down. I would like to announce that I will spend the remainder of my blogging career educating young writer about the dangers of spell-check. Children: ‘spell-check’ is unnatural so rely on your own spelling talents and do not take the easy way out.
I must also apologize to Jane, the most prominent member of Yankee-nation. I should not have taken out my blogging rage out on the Bronx-bombers and I am truly sorry. Let this be a lesson to you… Vasoline kills people.
Mark my words dear blogging friends, my resolve has never been higher than it is on this day. My blogging career is far from over and I promise you I will spend the rest of it proving to you that I can blog clean. You may see a few more spelling errors and a few less alliterations, but darn it, it’ll be clean. Have faith in me!